I am 24 years old and very passionate about working out. I think my body’s quite hot. In a week I will be standing on stage as part of a bikini fitness competition in Herning. Winning would mean the world to me.
I have been on a diet for almost two years. Everything I eat is weighed. This month I have been eating cod and asparagus in tiny portions. I’m so hungry!
Unfortunately, I’m not perfectly in shape. The next 7 days I need to lose more weight in order to increase my muscle definition.
The cod makes me sick. Every day I think about how wonderful it would be to just be able to eat whatever I feel like. Actually, I don’t really remember what it feels like not to be hungry.
I’m good at bikini fitness because I’m very disciplined. I’s a sport that requires a strong will. You need to be able to maintain a harsh diet while working out intensely – and yet giving the impression, that you’re on top of the world and confident on stage.
It’s a lot about having a harmonious body.
We call it the ‘The X’: The shoulders and the hips are equally wide; the back, the arms and the stomach have defined muscles. If, on top of that, your waist is narrow, you’re on your way!
Fuck. There are only four days to go before the competition and I have become ill. I have to work out, but I’m in bed and unable to do anything.
I’m imagining how it will be if I win. I really think I deserve it. I’ve been struggling f……g hard!
The last week before the competition has been tougher than I imagined. Actually, I was looking forward to the run-up. Right now I’m completely drained of energy. But it’s impossible for me to quit.
I want to show everyone that you can win, even if you have a somewhat female body shape. Most other girls are much more jagged than me.
But it’s not just about the competition. It’s also about conquering something inside of me.
During the past week I only got to eat vegetables and protein. Now, I finally reached the carbing-up phase. It means that I hardly get to eat anything but carbohydrates. Cod, never again. Instead, the bill of fare is rice crackers, bananas and still less liquid.
It’s to give the body some kind of shock. Carbohydrates can almost suck liquid out of the body and you get a kind of ‘dry look’.
I also need to pick up my stage bikini. A little sparkly suit for hundreds of dollars. But damn, I’m looking forward to it! It’s pretty damn soon!
There’s a reason I’m doing all this. I used to have orthorexia. I was obsessed with being healthy and exercised too much while eating too little. This photograph is from 2014, where I was doing really bad.
I’ve always wanted to be well again. I was in treatment for 2,5 years, but I was stuck with the disease. I started doing bikini fitness because it was the only way out, I could imagine.
I know I’ve exchanged one kind of control with another. But both my body and my mind felt a lot better when I started eating more, and in January 2016, I was declared cured.
The competition means so much to me because it is my proof, that I’m no longer controlled by the disease. If afterwards I can live my life without rules about food and exercise, I know I’ve moved on.
I have felt good for a long time. But this recent weeks I’ve been reminded of the past. I’ve noticed, that I like the feeling of losing weight and being small. It’s the dangerous side about at all this.
When I work out with the other girls, I feel I’m the ‘fat girl’ on the team. It’s far out, but I can always find faults in myself.
The fear of falling back in the eating disorder is occupying my thoughts these days.