Siblings are for life. We say.
But the truth is that sibling relationships are just as fragile as other relationships. The closeness between siblings fluctuates throughout life, and it is not guaranteed that they will always stick together.
In fact, one in four Danes say they have lost contact with one or more siblings. The reasons for the estrangement include differing life values, bad vibes, and childhood experiences, according to a survey conducted by Megafon for Politiken.
Camilla Carlsen Bechsgaard is a psychologist with a practice in Odense. Among other things, she is interested in what is at stake when siblings lack closeness in their relationship.
She explains that the way parents interact with their children has a crucial impact on how siblings relate to each other both as children and as adults.
Camilla Carlsen Bechsgaard uses the term cycle when discussing the development of sibling relationships.
»We often have a deep desire to be close to our siblings. But like all relationships, closeness comes in waves. In the troughs, when we are not as close, everything can feel off and wasted. And we can become deeply saddened. But relationships are never static, and they are never perfect. Our closeness to each other moves in cycles«, she says.
Camilla Carlsen Bechsgaard is herself an older sister. But for most of her childhood, she was essentially an only child, as there is a 16-year gap between her and her younger sister. Their relationship has evolved from one of child and adult to now being two adults in an equal relationship. Camilla Carlsen Bechsgaard is also a mother of two adult children. And now, with her sister recently becoming a mother, their bond has developed yet again.
»We’ve gained more points of reference, which creates a new kind of mutual understanding«, she says.
Camilla Carlsen Bechsgaard has noticed a change since she was a child. Back then, it was common for siblings to be four or five years apart. Today, that is rarely the case, she observes. Many parents express that they feel they owe it to their children to give them siblings, and it is important that the age gap between them is not too large.
»There is a notion that if siblings are close in age, they will get a lot out of each other and become best friends. Such thoughts create a lot of expectations that siblings should meet many of each other’s emotional needs. And it becomes terrible if the children are frequently in conflict, shouting or fighting with each other«, she says.
She believes that many children could benefit from a larger age gap between siblings.
»I don’t think all two-year-olds are thrilled to be dethroned when the next one arrives. They haven’t finished being babies yet. And it is difficult to avoid competing for the same things if they fundamentally have the same needs. Most parents of twins can relate to this. When siblings are close in age, they often become competitors«, she says.
And this kind of power struggle does not benefit sibling relationships.
»It becomes survival of the fittest. And it creates insecurity between siblings«, she says.
The right approach
In her practice, Camilla Carlsen Bechsgaard often encounters people who have tangled relationships. This can be between siblings, friends, or within romantic partnerships.
In sibling relationships, she finds that many of the conflicts adults face can be directly traced back to childhood experiences. Often, these conflicts are rooted in what she calls family norms.
In every family, there are things that are considered important to be good at. It could be having musical talent, showing interest in soccer, excelling academically, being organized, or being good at reading other people’s emotions.
»These norms are passed down to children. They quickly learn what is important in their family and what they need to do or how they need to be to succeed«, she says.
Parents often bring these norms from their own upbringing, and children will therefore also experience the same values from their grandparents.
At the same time, there is often someone in the family who is wired differently and who may not excel at what is considered important.
»If a child feels like a square peg in a round family, it is difficult to feel valued. The child often feels wrong and may become the troublesome one who teases, argues, or withdraws completely«.
What can parents do to prevent this?
»Parents need to be very aware of the signals they send about what they consider important in life«, she says.
»They must also make a real effort to understand the unique little person they have created. They need to be curious about who the child is and see how that specific little person can thrive«.
Children always have their own personalities, and awareness of their differences emerges quite early. By the time they are 6-7 years old, they are very aware that they are not the same, she explains.
Putting feelings into words
When Camilla Carlsen Bechsgaard talks to adult siblings about their conflicts, it often turns out that they grew up in families where they were not used to having their different feelings acknowledged. And they easily recall examples of such situations.
It could be about an older sister who went on a trip with grandparents while they were not allowed to go. And they had a meltdown and were told to stop being silly. Or the parents might over-explain: ’You understand that you are not old enough to do what they will do, and that you cannot walk that far, etc’.
»Whether parents dismiss or over-explain, the outcome is the same: they demonstrate that the child’s feelings are not important«.
How can parents do things differently?
»Parents could say: ’I understand that you are sad and think it’s very unfair’, and then comfort the child and invite them to do something else, indirectly saying they want to spend time together: ’Shall we go out in the garden and look at the flowers that have just bloomed?’«.
»The way parents address their children’s differences and emotions is crucial for how the children will relate to each other«, says Camilla Carlsen Bechsgaard.
»Children’s relationships are shaped by their parents’ perspectives on them. If conflicts are left to sibling dynamics, it can become difficult«.
But discussing feelings in a family can be challenging. It can become very apparent to children if parents struggle to accommodate particularly negative emotions.
»If a child says, ’I actually don’t like my sister. She’s really annoying.’ Is it okay to say that? You can almost hear the rumbling that makes the family castle crumble«.
Parents’ ability to address their children’s feelings and individual needs is closely linked to their own sense of well-being, she observes. And this is one of her key points:
»If everything is hanging by a thread and we barely manage daily life, parents lose the mental buffer zone where they can sense what is really going on. In each child and in the sibling relationship. This will happen no matter how much they love their children«, she says.
And it affects the children’s relationship with each other.
»When parents are under time pressure, children immediately notice that the window for contact with mom or dad is very small. Children are usually most demanding when they sense that their parents are most tired. Because then they know resources are scarce and they need to stick close to get some attention. And we are back to survival of the fittest, where the same child often ends up with the least attention«.
For parents, it is often easier to recognize their children’s different personality traits and individual needs in hindsight.
Children’s individual traits become more apparent as they grow older. And today, with many children living at home longer than in the past, differences tend to become more pronounced when they are adults and still living at home, explains Camilla Carlsen Bechsgaard.
As parents of grown children, many dream of enjoying family dinners. But parents actually have a task that involves addressing the issues that prick at us, she believes.
»Otherwise, it becomes a superficial relationship that can easily break. Healthy relationships need to be renegotiated regularly. Not necessarily through big conflicts, but we need to feel what we can be for each other and understand it«, says Camilla Carlsen Bechsgaard.
Therefore, parents need to show how such renegotiation can take place. And take responsibility for how it can land well again. Siblings will need to master this process repeatedly.
»There are no easy fixes in families. No one can say that if you just do this or that, siblings will always get along. But what always comes back to bite you is a lack of well-being«.
Time together can lead to closeness.
